How Foster Parenting is Helping My Cancer Journey

 Six years ago I opened my two bedroom apartment door to foster teens, specifically one girl above the age of 12.  Five years later I closed my four bedroom house door after welcoming 9 kids, sometimes 2 or 3 at a time and 2 boys in.  Since closing in October to focus on relationships, overtime, and the relationship with my first foster child who aged out, I had only two months before cancer knocked on my door instead.  

January 3rd, after one day of school, I ended up in the hospital with a softball sized tumor.  Surgery was scheduled for February, but quickly bumped up after every day I went to work ended with an ER trip.  I could barely walk some days and my energy was so low that I needed help with my Instrumental Activities of Daily Living.  Cooking for myself was more difficult if not impossible depending on pain levels.  I couldn't drive to the hospital as my doctors were 50 miles away and I wasn't sure how much the ambulance ride I had already taken from my local hospital was going to cost.  My parents had recently moved 400 miles away to be close to my 3 grandparents above 90 so couldn't help with the uncertainty.  But I had help, from my boyfriend and the support network I had built during foster parenting.  Plus my small church, who could only provide prayers as they focused on their family own huge issues that came up at the same time.  But in the five months since the start of this journey, I've been able to find ways that fostering has helped in huge ways. 

1. Accepting Help: 

Fostering is hard and there were times I needed to ask for help.  That was hard at the start of my journey, when I had to find someone to watch my teen who needed 24/7 supervision.  When she left the first time I was offered a meal by my church, which I turned down cause I wasn't used to the help.  However a day or two later as my grief over losing a child continued, I reached out and was blessed with a meal big enough for a few days of leftovers.  With future teens, especially during my period of emergency placements, I needed to call in some favors like showing up to my teaching job late when their bus picked them up 30 minutes after I started work.  I watched my ability to ask for and accept help for big and small things grow.  

In my cancer journey, that meant keeping track of whoever offered help and what they offered.  In addition to my mom moving into one of my spare rooms during surgery and the 5 days I need help during each chemo cycle, I had help from my school and larger network.  One of my close friends lived 25 miles away but came to visit on the weekend.  She would easily toss in a load of laundry when I still had my 10 lb weight limit, but I wouldn't call her to take the trash out on Tuesday night.  That would be my department chair, who I knew was finishing up work at 7pm a mile from my house and could easily take 5 minutes to swing by to take it out to the curb.  My retired neighbors would often return it in addition to snow blowing after big storms (which they did the whole time I lived in my house) and now mowing opposite my mom's week.  

2. Eating is required

My pantry has gone through it's third revision in 4 years.  Gone are the items with added sugar, anything in the grace period past it's best buy date, and the stash of foster teen comfort items that I didn't like.  Instead the full size freezer that I looked forward to getting almost as much as my house is filled with veggies and prepared meals that I can easily defrost.  I keep some of the healthier frozen treats, but my evenings don't come with a bowl of ice cream or popsicle anymore.  Some days near the end of my two week cycle I can cut a popsicle in half and enjoy eating it, but any more and my cold sensitivity rebels.  I barely know what I have in my house as my mom manages most of the food now although my ramen drawer is still filled with my quick meal of choice.  All the rejected food got passed down to my young adult foster teen for her apartment.  But the drastic changes in food are things I experienced through my fostering time.  

One teen had some food issues so we implemented a house rule: Everyone must have dinner by 9pm.  What it was didn't matter so much, but even visitors had to eat while here.  I wouldn't accept the "I ate today" when the child had been here for 6 hours, especially when they ate "a cheeto."  Nope... they could make something or I would cause sometimes you just need calories.  Now, I get the 10:20 when I record in my daily journal of what I did and ate, sometimes realizing I haven't eaten enough.  So I get up and force myself to eat something or drink a meal replacement.  

3. Small Improvements

Most of the teens I've had weren't the perfect teens with good attendance, grades, and behaviors.  Instead they came with foul language, poor report cards, and lots of trauma.  But I learned to celebrate a year with only 20 absences from school, no fights, and only one failing class.  It showed remarkable improvement over the past for that personal child.  Sure when/if I get to raise a child from birth, my bar for language, movies, and alcohol/drug use will be higher, but as long as a saw a reduction in harmful habits I was happy.  

Now, I have to have the same attitude with myself.  The granola bar and V8 I've had for breakfast the last 3 years has high sugar... fine.  I'll spend extra on the high protein low sugar bars, but making the healthier switch to oatmeal I microwave myself just hasn't happened.  Stop having a bedtime snack...not happening, but I can switch to pretzels and sometimes carrots/dip.  

4. Parenting Myself

Fostering teens taught me to focus on the key issues and provide a mix of grace and hard love.  I can have grace for myself when looking at my step count for the day.  Chemo days 3-5 at 1,000 steps... no problem as I have to fit in my constant naps.  But days 8-14 hard love takes over and I often force myself to include a 11:30pm walking exercise class to hit my 5K goal for the day.  Church is still a non negotiable, even if I'm only awake for the 1 hr service before my body forces a nap.  

Some of parenting yourself is also providing the right supplies.  In this case, that meant a FitBit as my cheaper versions refused to count the trip upstairs or to the bathroom as steps, unless I shook my hand before to activate the watch.  That wasn't happening so I had to buy a few things to make the journey easier.  Rugs so I didn't have to put socks on even with cold sensitivity, water activated lights that turn different colors based on the temperature so I could avoid drinking/touching cold water, clothes that fit my current body and have bigger necks for my three days of chemo.  

5. Naps

Speaking of naps, I learned when I had two teens with disabilities stay with me that naps/quiet time was an important part of my household routine.  My brain was so exhausted from the decision making at school and home that I needed an hour to relax and prepare for the second half the day.  So naps after school began and have continued regularly since then.  Sure it's not every day, and no I rarely fall asleep, but the mental break gave me the energy I needed to engage for the rest of the evening.  Now I will take a nap when I feel like I need one and I am ok with saying to someone that I can't do whatever activity or task cause I'll probably be asleep.  I don't plan anything for days 1-5 so I have the space to sleep when I need to, especially on day 4 when I can rock 16-18hrs asleep. Sadly those days I do sometimes have to force myself to stay awake longer to eat and come close to drinking in 80 oz needed to flush the chemo through.  

6. Mental Health

Teens are going through a mental health crisis these days and mine were no exception.  So counseling for them became a regular part of the routine and after a really bad caseworker helped adoption of my oldest fail, I set up my own counseling.  This helped me process the secondary trauma, work on my relationship until we realized it wasn't meant to be, and now handle the changes due to cancer.  I also put in the work at home to fill up my schedule while on leave with flexible tasks, optional things, and volunteer opportunities while also giving space for support groups and alone time to process.  The change has been difficult at times, but knowing that I need to prioritize my own mental health and consider the limits of others, primarily my parents, has mattered.  

7. Optional Things Calendar

Lastly, when I was just doing respite I added a color to my google calendar labeled Optional Things.  This shows me quickly what events I can do, but have no pressure to actually do.  I used to go through the list of all the county wide events, decide what I was willing to go to, and put them in my calendar.  Then when the time came, I would offer the events to the teens.  The most specific in my memory were car shows.  One guy was super into car shows and even helped me get cool rims for my car.  The three siblings the next month were not excited for it at all, so we skipped them.  Now, I can add support groups and zoom exercise classes, but not feel pressure if I'm not up for joining them or if I double book an event.  It helps me fill up my schedule while I'm not working and only have my limited volunteer requirements (which are also available on zoom if needed).  

Overall, I'm very thankful for the ways that foster parenting helped me open myself up to good habits and a willingness to see everyone with their interconnected needs.  We can all still help each other, but we have to be able to accept our limitations, communicate well with others, and be willing to take help when needed.  Growth is a journey and while this wasn't what I planned, I'm kinda excited to see how this will impact the next stage of my life...which hopefully will be filled with more foster kids.