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This is Me

Monday through Friday I start the school day listening to "This is Me" by Super Simple Songs.  My autistic kindergarteners, aides, and I point out all of our body parts as we learn who we are.  At home and in the doctor's office, that phrase takes a different meaning for me.  Maybe it was getting older, hitting surgical menopause, or all the struggles that come with cancer, but I've learned who I am.  I only care to be judged by the content of my character, not by pieces that don't matter.  I learned who I am in reference to medicine... I would rather deal with chemo rash or a port poke than put on a cream.  I will choose lifestyle changes like installing faucets that are color activated by temperature and hop from one new rug to another over wearing socks when cold sensitivity exists.  My brain requires time and space to work on more issues, like readjusting to socks, buttons on pants, and new roles. I sprained my ankle the day before an oncology appo...
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The Night Before

 The night before it all began Last year I remember being so thankful for January 2nd off and the extra day to plan the year before returning to my teaching job.  Little did I know that was the last normal day.   January 3rd 2024 started like any other day.  Finished work and took my post work nap... which had gotten longer but I was also working up to 11 hours after school each week.  When I went to get up from my nap I felt the pain.  Sharp and around my abdomen.  I rotated from one side to the other, seeing if I could remove the muscle tension and reduce the pain.  It didn't work so I stayed still and thought.  Considered the options: New pain, but still at a level 5.  No kids in the house and nothing scheduled to do.  After 5 so my doctor wasn't available and the urgent care was likely just to send me to the hospital.  So I considered what I needed to pack.  But every other time I've packed a bag has been for my k...
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No Guarantee of the Future

Cancer means fighting for your life with no guarantee of the future Fostering means loving the children in your care with no guarantee of the future.  My shortest placement was less than 24 hrs.  My longest was two sets of nine months with ongoing "Mom" status now.  I gave any child who entered my home a warm bed, food, and the love and support they needed for as long as I was able to provide them with a safe place to live. In total, I've welcomed 10 youth into my home aged 10-20 and am honored to consider two of them my own now.  No formal paperwork states this, but in when you're 18-21 in extended foster care you get to pick your own support system.  They chose me and I chose them.   While my house closed in October 2023 just months before my cancer diagnosis so I could focus on my relationship with my young adult foster child and my boyfriend, the passion for teens who are hurting remained.  The boyfriend was let go in February 2024, one month ...
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What's Next?

October 13, 2024 What's Next?  In two days I return to work full time as a teacher.   In 2024, I taught 3 full days...in January...and each landed me in the ER and/or hospital.   Over the summer I got to work 2 long days during regents in the gap between chemo and surgery #2...leading to a strained foot at 18K steps.  Now it's mid October.   Cancer-Free, but with a high likelihood of recurrence.  Fresh 10 inch scar down my abdomen from the organ removal and hot chemo bath that removed the remainder of the stage 4 cancer.  Lower endurance, neuropathy that showed up post surgery, more limited flexibility.  Hair from every pore... a strange side effect that leads to swimmers ear after every shower.  A new rash, only visible if you look closely, that requires cream 2x a day yet I don't remember when I applied it last.  A faith deepened as I rested in God's peace and a huge network of friends and church members prayed for me....
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34

34 My year of cancer A year I hope stops by my artificially placed deadline.  A year filled with 3 ER trips, 4 hospital stays, 11 rounds of FOLFOX, 9 of Panitumumab, and 2 surgeries.  A year mostly on medical leave which I'm so thankful for, but could have handled sticking to my previous life's routine A year I'm reflecting on while sitting in my step down ICU room post CRS/HIPEC and resection. I got to enjoy many things, while taking in the rough times.   A year filled with high points like my expanded support system, time with my parents, house projects being completed, reengaging in photography, a new kid who picked me, and learning to read my physical signs.   A year filled with low points like side effects, uncertainty for now and in the future, and struggles finding working pain meds after surgery.   A year refocusing my life on what matters.  A year I only survived cause of my faith in God and learning to give it all to Him. ...
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How Foster Parenting is Helping My Cancer Journey

 Six years ago I opened my two bedroom apartment door to foster teens, specifically one girl above the age of 12.  Five years later I closed my four bedroom house door after welcoming 9 kids, sometimes 2 or 3 at a time and 2 boys in.  Since closing in October to focus on relationships, overtime, and the relationship with my first foster child who aged out, I had only two months before cancer knocked on my door instead.   January 3rd, after one day of school, I ended up in the hospital with a softball sized tumor.  Surgery was scheduled for February, but quickly bumped up after every day I went to work ended with an ER trip.  I could barely walk some days and my energy was so low that I needed help with my Instrumental Activities of Daily Living.  Cooking for myself was more difficult if not impossible depending on pain levels.  I couldn't drive to the hospital as my doctors were 50 miles away and I wasn't sure how much the ambulance ride I ha...
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Clothing

 For Christmas this year I ordered a light for the closet and 100 matching hangers.  I was finally going to make my space look organized and turn it into an adult space.   This school year I started loving my school "uniform"... dress with shorts or leggings on and comfortable shoes.  Unless it was a day we could dress down and all those tshirts (SpEd dept, Math dept, general teacher, union, and district colors) were in one row of my dresser drawer to easily grab.  Choosing these outfits meant I could easily sleep in until 20 minutes before I left to get to school... arriving ~15 minutes before school started.   Over Christmas break I had started changing out dresses onto the new hangers, then I ended up in the ER after the first day back to school from break.  So the project sat waiting until I had enough energy and could bend to do it.  Two weeks later, right before surgery, I was able to finish that project.  I had desired to go ...
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