The Night Before

 The night before it all began

Last year I remember being so thankful for January 2nd off and the extra day to plan the year before returning to my teaching job.  Little did I know that was the last normal day.  

January 3rd 2024 started like any other day.  Finished work and took my post work nap... which had gotten longer but I was also working up to 11 hours after school each week.  When I went to get up from my nap I felt the pain.  Sharp and around my abdomen.  I rotated from one side to the other, seeing if I could remove the muscle tension and reduce the pain.  It didn't work so I stayed still and thought.  Considered the options: New pain, but still at a level 5.  No kids in the house and nothing scheduled to do.  After 5 so my doctor wasn't available and the urgent care was likely just to send me to the hospital.  So I considered what I needed to pack.  But every other time I've packed a bag has been for my kid and I know the process to get mental health help... but this was different.  

I drove the 2 minutes to the hospital, but parked close as walking was painful.  The ER was backed up, but I ended up first back for tests, blood draw (through my finger), and got the first bed.  I knew when they were taking pictures at the ultrasound that something wasn't normal.  The sub caller was waiting in the ER waiting room and I let her know I wouldn't be in tomorrow, especially once I knew they were transferring me.  Texted my coteachers and thankfully didn't have to do any sub plans.  Hours later my ambulance came for my first overnight stay with an oncogyn appointment scheduled the next Monday.  Two days of work the next week with ER trips (to Buffalo this time) after each one and my surgery got moved up.  

Little did I know that they would find additional metastasis during surgery and cut out parts of my body I never knew existed.  That post surgery I would get my stage 4 colon cancer diagnosis when they found my primary tumor.  That I wouldn't have another full day of work until August after I had finished 11 rounds of chemo.  Just in time for a surgery on the first day I was supposed to work in the Fall.  

Today I returned to work, threw myself into my job and trying to get organized to counter act the side effects and memory lapses.  Took my regular nap which has shortened to about an hour as I've recovered from surgery.  Then reached out to support groups to figure out what to expect on this cancerversary.  Figured if I wasn't proactive with my feelings they would make themselves known at an uncomfortable time.  I mean I could lock myself in my room's bathroom at school, but I would rather not.  We'll leave that option on the table though. 

One year from the time it all started and cancer free for 3 months.  8 months from the day everything changed to no sign of cancer in the body.  Four months since surgery and I'm still feeling the tight muscles in my abs.  The 9.5 inch incision slicing through my abs as they cut out more then gave me a hot chemo bath will wreck them.  Now this thinking and writing disconnect I still have to figure out.  I hate rereading and finding tons of errors, especially when I thought it correctly.  But it could have been worse.  

I still have my hair... more of it than I did before I started.  Going to try to get help reducing the eye lash length from my view and stopping the swimmers ear after every shower.  Not from swimming like I would love but can only do backstroke and breaststroke for a length, and 4 strokes of front crawl.  Showers lead to the ear pain.  

But... scan coming and I lost that trust that it will stay away, especially for the 60 years I could live still.  Time to resign myself to sleep as the day will come anyway and my yawns tell me I am tired.  Will I need the Calm App to sleep or will I be able to handle falling asleep without it?  Just like cancer is unpredictable, sleep can be the same way.  Except on my chemo sleep weekends... then it was easy to know I would be asleep.